


Sanity Check

by GalaxyWanderer



Series: Outsiders's Looks [6]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Ex-Shenko, F/M, Gen, Mass Effect 3, Shakarian - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-17
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-25 21:46:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/643294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GalaxyWanderer/pseuds/GalaxyWanderer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series of short chapters/fills mostly about Shepard and Garrus’s relationship during ME3 from Kaidan’s POV. F!Shepard/Garrus, ex-Shepard/Kaidan.</p><p>-----<br/>Previously titled: "When things settle down a little..."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shoulder

**Author's Note:**

> This is still a work in progress and my first attempt at writing both a ME fic and a fic in English. I don't really like writing chapters as short as those, but I've always been a Quality before Quantity kind of person, so I'll settle for it while I'm not confident enough to increase my chapters. That said, please, R&R.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the Cerberus' coup, Shepard steps into the Observation deck to chat with Kaidan and triggers some thoughts in which the Major will try to figure out where he stands in his former lover's life.

_**  
Sanity Check**_

Chapter One: _Shoulder_

 

Kaidan watched her reflection in the window of the observatory deck while Shepard walked towards the door. He mentally went through the conversation that had just happened. It had been weird. The way she just came into the room and waited for him to get his thoughts together; the way she prompted him to open up... It was not that strange a concept to him. That’s always been her MO toward her crew. Always making sure everyone was at their best, but still...

The problem was in the fact that he actually started talking... about his mom being alone on Earth and his father being MIA... despite his decision of keeping his distance; keeping it professional. He knew how she worked, so he thought it would be easier to avoid letting her get too close. He had made his mind up about not _allowing_ her to get under his skin again. Because the last time... well, it just didn’t work the way he'd expected. _And_ there was also the _“Garrus issue”_...

That was why he had to keep cool. He had to control himself and accept that it was over... _‘Unless...’,_ a fickle thought grew in his mind and overtook him with the strength of a star going _nova_. He didn’t know if it was _really_ over; not for sure. _‘Yeah, she did admit cheating on me with Garrus when I asked, but...’,_ Kaidan hadn’t seen anything between Shepard and the turian while they were at the Citadel, trying to restore order after _Cerberus’_ coup, that showed some kind of _special_ affection. They were all business-like – the Commander and her Officer – and he knew that because he had watched them closely, attentively even, though he had tried not to.

As the door closed with a chime behind the commander when she stepped out of the room, he felt the urge to follow her. Unaware of it, his feet moved; his hand almost touched the lock at the door when he heard someone call her name on the other side. He froze.

“Hell of a day. Udina loses his mind, the Citadel almost falls... and you almost had to put down a friend...”, Garrus started talking to the Commander and Kaidan held his breath.

“Got a little tense there.” Shepard answered and, even through the door, the tiredness in her tone was so clear that it startled him. It shouldn’t be that surprising. They were in the middle of a war, after all, but the Major still felt his body turning stiff and his head throb at the note of that. And for being something so logical, he couldn’t quite put his finger into what the problem was – not immediately –, but that little uncomfortable feeling in the back of his mind just wouldn’t go away.

And then it hit him...

Her voice hadn’t sound like that – _at all_ – just a few seconds ago while she was talking to him. And that realization hurt as he remembered a time when she would’ve let her guard down before him; she would’ve allowed _him_ – and no one else - to see the cracks in her Commander persona and would’ve asked _him_ to be _her shoulder_.

 _‘But not anymore...’_ , his hand fell to the side as he forced his body to relax and then took a few cautious steps behind until he was leaning against the back of the couch.

He chuckled softly as the realization that – up until now – he had actually been hoping to still have a shot with Shepard sunk in. After receiving Hackett’s offer to join him at the Fifth Fleet he had analyzed his options so thoroughly and carefully; he’d even successfully convinced himself that his feelings had nothing to do with the decision he made. He’d convinced himself that he belonged there as part of the SR1’s crew – _the original crew_ – and Shepard’s words at his request to serve on the _Normandy_ again showed him that she thought as much – _Couldn’t imagine facing the Reapers without you –_ but he had to face the facts: things wouldn’t be the same as they were back then.

 _'So this time I really need to move on’_ , he thought as, at the other side of the door, he heard Garrus say:

“I’m glad we have Kaidan back. We can always use a friendly gun.”


	2. Bias

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After rescuing the ex-Cerberus Scientists on Gellix, Kaidan tries to make his mind about the kind of people who worked for infamous organization.

 

_**  
Sanity Check** _

Chapter Two: _Bias_

 **_“Take good care of her, Vakarian._ ** **”**

Kaidan couldn’t shake those words off of his mind since he’d heard Jacob Taylor utter them upon their separation after the mission on _Gellix_.

He couldn’t deny that, at first, he’d been shocked at hearing such a clear sanction to the Commander’s relationship with the turian coming from a former member of a splinter pro-human organization – an organization mostly known by its extreme xenophobic ideas; then he started to pay some attention to Shepard and Garrus’ behavior toward the ex-Cerberus’ Operative, taking note of the clear camaraderie they shared. He’d been with them across the Omega-4 Relay, and you just don’t make through such an experience without creating some kind of _bonding_.

 _‘After all, that’d been deemed as a self-proclaimed Suicide Mission from the very start,’_ , he rationalized and – even now, so many months after they made it back from the Galactic Core, it was still hard to believe it – it still amazed him that Shepard had actually pulled it off without losing a single squad mate or crew member. You’d have to completely trust your team mates for such a _miracle_ to work.

He sighed deeply staring at the mission report in front of him and went back at working on that, just to find himself lost in thoughts again not much after.

 _‘He looked like a nice guy!’_ , he thought and, then, as he considered all those people they’d helped get away of the base – he clearly remembered Dr. Cole putting herself in the harm’s way, unarmored and unarmed, when Shepard was tossed down by the shockwave of the missile shot by the Atlas – _‘Yeah! They seemed like nice people_. _’_ They might’ve worked for the wrong organization, but they must be nice enough people. And that idea made some things he’d not even known were still bothering him a bit more clear in his mind.

For such a long time he’d wondered how she managed to work with Cerberus. Ever since he’d known Shepard she’s been this incredibly open accepting kind of person, always eager to learn more about things she ignores. She’d never judge in account of one’s species, but as individuals. What could show that more clearly then the fact that, on the first _Normandy_ , she quickly embraced the opportunity to work with a quarian, a krogan, a turian and an asari. She’d chew out any personnel who showed the slightest sign of bigotry.

That was why when she showed up working for... No! _With_ Cerberus, he couldn’t help but think they’d done something to her; that they’d messed up with her head somehow, because the Shepard he knew wouldn’t agree to work with such a short-sighted organization – a terrorist organization, at that...

Sure, there was the shock and the whole _feeling betrayed_ for her disappearance – what she went through when the SR-1 was destroyed still felt hard to believe sometimes – but there was also that part of him that wouldn’t accept that she could work for a splint organization.

 ** _“Take good care of her, Vakarian._** **”** , the wholeheartedly request – that also took the form of a blessing – rang on his ears again and he started to think about people on Cerberus being just people and Shepard, being as she is, would find her way to work with _good people_ in spite of who’s paying the bills.

Now, about _who_ was paying the bills though... He winced as he felt the sudden start of a migraine... _‘You know what, I should just talk to her...’_ , Kaidan decided as he sent a message to Traynor, asking to talk with the Commander whenever she was available. In the meantime, he would finish that damn report and get some rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have this little feeling at the back of my mind about Kaidan's chapters being somewhat boring - too much insights, too much thinking - but the fact is: I totally picture Kaidan as being this really introspective kind of guy. And he's not really one to just show off his emotions (unless when he's being an ass about Shepard, that is - sorry if you disagree!)


End file.
